Although you can have both a career and happiness, your choice in career doesn't necessarily guarantee you happiness, even though you thought it would.
I have done a lot of work with my counsellor over the past few months which has brought to light the huge weight of my condition that I have been carrying around for six years. We have worked, extremely hard, on understanding what it means to accept the condition, and although I do not believe I'm fully there yet, I think I have come a long way. I'm not sure if it's possible to 100% fully accept the shitty hand life has dealt you in the form of a chronic illness, but I'm still receiving counselling so I will have to keep you up to date on that one. I will advise anyone with a diagnosis to seek help if they are struggling to deal with their diagnosis/condition as I have found it has helped me in ways I hadn't even realised I needed help.
I've spent six years fighting this condition and, thus, not allowing it to be a part of me. Essentially what I was doing was trying to ignore it and push it away. I believe a small and healthy amount of this is good, I believe it helps provide one with a bit of fighting spirit to make sure you have the best quality of life you can possible have with whatever condition you may be living with. It gives you that fighting spirit to make sure your Doctor doesn't forget about you. However, I believe I had been fighting my condition to an unhealthy extent which resulted in a huge decline in my mental health at the beginning of this year, with other factors contributing.
What I have come to realise is yes I have the passion and sheer determination to push through this degree, I have proven myself to be academically bright enough to breeze through this degree, but to continue would be at the detriment of my health and my family will suffer as a result. I also believe that nursing as a career will fuel my urge to fight my condition. The type of nursing I want to do is never going to be compatible with my condition whilst also allowing me to let my condition in and embrace it. I will have to fight everyday meaning all the work I have done with my counsellor will slowly unravel and I do not want to end up in the dark and scary place I found myself to be in in January. If I continue on this journey into nursing I believe I will live in fear wondering if today will be the day that my condition will grab me by the throat and pull me underwater and jeopardise my studies, and eventually when I qualify, my career.
One of my biggest motivations in making me apply to university, and I believe one of the biggest reasons I was accepted, was my children. One of my interview questions to get on to the degree was why do you want to do nursing? I answered with all your obligatory, standard answers, because I love caring for people, I feel a great sense of pride in making a difference to a persons life, you get the gist. The final answer I gave was, not only did I want to do it for myself, I wanted to do it for my children. Yes, I chose to have children before I chose my career, which some may say is unconventional, but I wanted to show my children that no matter what path they choose to take or what path life takes them through no fault of their own, they can still be whoever they want to be at any time in their lives, as long as they are willing to put some work in to it. This was the point at which the person interviewing me gave a heart warming smile that almost certainly sealed the deal.
Although I am making the decision not to return for my children, I can't help but feel like I am still letting them down. I set out to show them that you can be anything as long as you're not afraid of hard work, and I am quitting. Great example. The other tactic my counsellor has been working on with me is re-framing. Re-framing is taking how you think and feel about a situation and flipping it on its head and finding the positives, but you have to believe it! So lets have a go.
I'm not letting my children down.
I have taught my girls that when you have a passion for something you go for it. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. I have taught them that although we may make plans for our lives, we don't always get what we thought we were going to get, but that's OK, it simply means we may have to re-align our focus. I have taught them that nothing in life will ever be worth putting your health at risk, ergo, your health is your biggest asset, look after yourself! I have taught them that happiness is everything. I would have been so proud of myself if I had been able to push through and graduate, but would I have been happy? Maybe in the moment yes, but would I live a happy and fulfilled career, I honestly don't believe I would because of the unpredictability of this condition just waiting to drag me under. When they are old enough to understand I will teach them that when they meet people, those people are going to ask them what they do for a living. The main reason for this question will be because that person, mostly unknowingly, wants to know how much respect they need to give you. Just have a think to yourself I bet at some point in your life you have asked someone what they do for a living and they have told you, I'm a consultant, or I'm a director of a hotshot company. Instantly, most people, feel the need to give a higher level of respect and/or feel inferior to that person because they must be far more intelligent and earn so much more money. What people fail to ask is, are you happy? I don't want my children to have a fancy career, that earns them a high wage that pays for the fancy car, the mansion, a cleaner, if their happiness is put on the line to achieve it. We have one shot at life and if myself and my family get to live out our existence in happiness, what more can we ask for?
I was happy when I started my degree, because I was completely symptom free. I do not believe I would be happy returning now. Which is why rather than quitting, I have the option to defer for another 6 months, so I think I will take that option, so I can spend the next 6 months finding myself. It may be that we decide to pay to see an incredibly knowledgeable Doctor up in York who may drastically change my life and make me feel well enough to finish my degree. That may not happen, so I will explore career options that don't require me to be so active. For now, I'm exploring my creative side and figuring out if I can do something with it that will give me the flexibility to work at home. I'd love to write a book, I love writing and find it highly therapeutic.
So watch this space, just because I may not achieve what I set out to achieve doesn't mean I can't achieve great things and be happy. That goes for you too!
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