Fatigue. One of the many symptoms of PoTS.
I don't really remember chronic fatigue being something I really suffered with when I first developed this condition, but I won't lie to you my memory is shocking and I rely on Dan to remember most things. For example, on multiple occasions I have come home from doing a shop and shown him excitedly that I've bought something that I think looks really nice to which he replies "you've had that before.... you didn't like it!!!" I never like it because I have indeed tried it before and I indeed did not like it! 😀
This time round the fatigue is crippling! I live in a constant state of feeling and most likely looking like a permanently exhausted sloth. The problem is I don't have time to slow down, and if I'm honest resting doesn't make any difference to my energy levels at all! I've been going to bed at 9pm most nights and sleeping through to about 7am, now really there is absolutely no reason for me to wake up and feel like I've already worked a 12 hour shift and run a marathon but I do and it breaks my heart. I am such a motivated person that thrives on getting as much done in a day, multi-tasking to the max and generally just getting shit done. I get a huge sense of achievement from it!
So how to explain how I feel getting stuff done through the day? It's like I'm trying to run under water with weights strapped to my feet! I want so much to get everything I need to get done in a day which most of the time I think I achieve but I find no joy in it anymore, and then comes the guilt.
Isn't guilt the most wonderful feeling in the world? (sarcasm!) I feel guilty for becoming frustrated that after 10 mins of being awake I don't want to answer Amelia's 10 millionth question. I feel guilty that at 9pm I'm saying to Dan I'm going to bed and leaving him alone. I feel guilty that I don't see enough of my friends and support them through their difficult times. Do you know what else I should probably feel guilty for? Not cutting myself some slack... I know deep down I am doing my absolute best in this hectic life I have chosen to lead for the next 3 years and I knew it was going to be hard, but it is so much harder than I thought it was going to be and I didn't expect to relapse, although I can't say I'm surprised.
And then there's fear... I fear that the girls are going to grow up and think "mummy was never there" "she was always at uni/placement/work". i fear I'm going to lose my bond with them as a result. I fear my marriage will begin to fall apart because all my energy isn't going solely into Dan and the house and making sure dinner is cooked. I fear that maybe I'm being to selfish in choosing this adventure. I fear that I'm going to fail and disappoint everyone and I won't make anyone proud.
I'm not sure what message I wanted to achieve with this blog post I've just had a lot of thoughts and feelings storming through my head that I just had to get some of it out.
I don't know if I'm awake, I may be sleep walking through all of this but I promise you I am trying my hardest!
Look up spoon theory! It has helped me realise how fatigue works and whether I need to save spoons for the following day if I have an appointment or need to do something our of routine. Remember self care is so important with fatigue. Don’t be guilty for allowing yourself to rest.