When we talk about grief we instantly think about death. That we are grieving the loss of a loved one or pet. When we grieve we grieve the 'loss' of that loved one or pet. Losses come in many forms though. The loss of a job, the loss of a relationship, whether it be with a friend or family member, the list is not exhaustive. So what about if we lose the independence to be fully capable of living the life we use to?
I'm not going to answer the question, because if I'm honest I'm still working through it myself, I suppose all we can do is vow that we will always try our best? But then that poses the question of how do we accept that our best is good enough? I am one of the lucky ones, I am surrounded by very supportive friends and family that believe that I try my hardest and most importantly believe my condition, symptoms and limitations. So why isn't that enough? I'll tell you why.
Prior to this relapse, when I was 'fit' (I will not delude you into thinking I was some sort of athlete prior to this because I was far fucking from it, let me tell you that!). However, being a young mum of two young children, you are naturally on your feet a lot doing the school run, the shopping, entertaining a 2 year old, keeping the house clean, I like to cook our meals from scratch and then obviously going to university full time as well. I'm not a gym bunny but I'm not lazy. I also thrive from being busy and multitasking and the more jobs I can tick off in a day the better I genuinely love it. I'm not good at just sitting and chilling. So to have that stripped of me is really hard to cope with. Yes I keep going but it is so hard to KEEP going.
I'm not the mum I was, or want to be. I am so fatigued 24/7, I don't feel like I have the energy to do fun things with them. My patience is spread so thin, so I shout and lose my shit over the smallest things so much quicker than I ever have before. This breaks my heart. We've never been a shouty family, and I have always found pride in being a parent that had the patience to come down to their level and explain things to them. Evie, my 2 year old, she is.... beautiful.... adorable.... funny.... she's SATAN there I've said it!! She is Satan! She is that child that spends more time on the naughty step than off it. The girl does NOT listen. So I am struggling, I am struggling to give her my full, calm patient discipline to guide her on what's right and what's wrong. I take pride in my girls being happy, healthy polite children and I feel like I'm failing.
I'm not the housewife I was or want to be. For a good few years I have cooked all of our meals from scratch, and if I knew a busy few days were coming up I would bulk cook fresh food and freeze it for convenience. This rarely happens now. Either Dan cooks or it's something simple out of the freezer, but I feel guilty for that! I am 29 years old I should be able to do all these things. I like a clean and tidy house, and this house spends more time unclean and untidy more than it is clean and tidy now.
I'm not the student I was or want to be, which is reflected in the marks I'm getting now compared to pre relapse.
So if you take all the things I COULD do and all the things I struggle to do now that is why it's not enough to be told I'm doing amazing. I know deep down I am trying my best, I always will, I owe it to my family. But the best way to describe how living with a chronic illness effects a person is like going through a cycle of grief but not really being able to get out of it, because you are reminded everyday of the limitations you are having to live with.
I'm tired! I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of fighting to give my best to everyone, I'm tired of fighting for the career I want and I'm tired of feeling guilty and grieving for the person I was.
So what do I do? I think I have reached my limit?
If you're reading this and struggling with any condition, please remember your best is good enough and you are doing amazing. Keep going!
Now excuse me while I go and try to convince myself of that!
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I think this is something that almost everyone goes through as they enter different phases of life but obviously it's worse when chronic illness is responsible. Like you said you just have to give yourself some grace. Prioritize those things that are non negotiable, maybe patience with your children and celebrate the victory when you're successful. I'm sorry you're going thoigh this. You're a great mom for being this concerned about the change and trying to fix it.